Friday, March 23, 2012

Ask the Question Asker 3/23/2012

Ah, so YOU might not be a complete moron. Watch this space in future installments for more secret missives.Greetings, troglodytes!

It is I, the Question Asker, come to address your various and sundry queries! I must admit, I was a bit overwhelmed by your response: three comments! That's more than triple what I was expecting, since I assumed that the vast majority of you were illiterate. Enough dithering! Let's get to your questions!

Dear QA,

Which superhero movie this summer, will be the best? Avengers, Dark Knight Rises, or Amazing Spider-Man?

Comics Fan 

Thank you so much for your stupid question, Comics Fan! The answer is, of course, none of those movies. Why you normals insist on continually glorifying these trumped up meatheads by committing their ridiculous escapades to celluloid is beyond me. Why even bother paying to see these films? I can tell you how they're all going to play out: a villain emerges. The heroes are defeated. The heroes regroup. The heroes triumph. Roll credits. It doesn't even matter what happens in between these plot points because it will almost certainly consist of nothing but inane prattling about responsibility and honor and oh my god, just thinking about it is making my eye twitch. Let's break this down.

The Avengers: A whole team of Earth's supposed "Mightiest Heroes" is needed to take on one threat. Six heroes for one adversary. Is that supposed to be impressive? If any one of them displayed even a modicum of intelligence, they could surely find a way to outwit a more powerful foe. However, as all these hero-types rely on punching things into submission, it will apparently take all six of them to punch the antagonist hard enough to end his machinations. Meanwhile, I can solve any problem with half an hour and $8.95 (depending on local sales tax), so forgive me if I remain unimpressed.

The Dark Knight Rises: I can't even get past the title of this one. The Dark Knight Rises? What does that even mean? Didn't he already "rise" in the previous two films? How is it that he's rising again in this installment? Did he fall in between movies? Are we supposed to believe that he lives his life just bobbing up and down like a chunk of cork with daddy issues? This is just another piece of evidence supporting my theory that Hollywood utilizes Mad Libs when naming films.

The Amazing Spider-Man: I have nothing negative to say about this movie, since it is CLEARLY such a fresh and original idea. A Spider-Man origin story? I wish I wasn't out of gold stars so that I could give one to the creative titan who was brave enough to pitch this film. In fact, let's all clap for that person. You can't see me, but I am definitely clapping right now.

My pick for the best superhero film of the summer is Death of a Superhero, coming May 4th. I have no idea what it is about, but based on the title, it has my vote. Next question.

I was going to post a question but ^ this guy has a much better one that might spark a more interesting response. 

This would be adorable if it wasn't so imbecilic. What you have typed is more accurately referred to as a "statement". Now, bear with me, as this may be difficult for you to follow: a "question" is normally a sentence in an interrogative form, posed to someone else in an effort to receive a reply and gain information. What you did was just bash on the keyboard with your sausage fingers until the law of averages gifted you with a semi-coherent phrase, which you then accidentally posted online. At least, that's what I assume must have happened, since surely you aren't so lazy as to have taken the time to post a response, but not enough time to bother coming up with a question of your own. That just wouldn't make sense, since you'd only have wasted my time and yours. No, it's much more likely that you are in fact a toddler who spilled juice on your mother's keyboard, inadvertently creating words.

Then again, you're probably just an idiot. Next question.

Who exactly is the new Marvel comic, "Age of Apocalypse" supposed to appeal to? 
Also, is pretension enough of an explanation for why so many comic fans defend Jonathon Hickman's "Shield?" 

Your mind-numbing mewling is familiar...have I destroyed you before?

In any case, a quick Google search reveals that the answer to your first question is "fans of the original Age of Apocalypse". I mean, really, you're asking me this question on the internet---have you seriously never heard of a search engine before? Here, let me link you to one. The link is that word to left that is underlined and a different color. You're welcome.

Concerning your second query, the pretentiousness of the question itself leads me to believe that your justification for anything that you are not intelligent enough to understand is,"It's not that I'm a simpleton, it's that this is pretentious." Therefore, I assume you would also describe Rainbow Brite and the Alphabet Song as "pretentious".

 But to answer your question, sure.

Just understand that I rolled my eyes while typing that.

Well, that's my time, but this was fun! Wasn't this fun? I'm sure you all learned a lot. Please post your questions for the next installment below, and no need to be shy about it! Thus far, the bar has been set incredibly low.

And always remember, Dear Readers: I am way smarter than you.

The Question Asker

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