Thursday, March 29, 2012

Holy 90's Cartoon Series, Batman!

I make my open-minded and well-reasoned case over at Fanboy Comics this week about everyone's favorite animated series:


Cuz if you don't, I will come to where you live, and I will cut you.

And I will be in no way sorry.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Ask the Question Asker 3/23/2012

Ah, so YOU might not be a complete moron. Watch this space in future installments for more secret missives.Greetings, troglodytes!

It is I, the Question Asker, come to address your various and sundry queries! I must admit, I was a bit overwhelmed by your response: three comments! That's more than triple what I was expecting, since I assumed that the vast majority of you were illiterate. Enough dithering! Let's get to your questions!

Dear QA,

Which superhero movie this summer, will be the best? Avengers, Dark Knight Rises, or Amazing Spider-Man?

Comics Fan 

Thank you so much for your stupid question, Comics Fan! The answer is, of course, none of those movies. Why you normals insist on continually glorifying these trumped up meatheads by committing their ridiculous escapades to celluloid is beyond me. Why even bother paying to see these films? I can tell you how they're all going to play out: a villain emerges. The heroes are defeated. The heroes regroup. The heroes triumph. Roll credits. It doesn't even matter what happens in between these plot points because it will almost certainly consist of nothing but inane prattling about responsibility and honor and oh my god, just thinking about it is making my eye twitch. Let's break this down.

The Avengers: A whole team of Earth's supposed "Mightiest Heroes" is needed to take on one threat. Six heroes for one adversary. Is that supposed to be impressive? If any one of them displayed even a modicum of intelligence, they could surely find a way to outwit a more powerful foe. However, as all these hero-types rely on punching things into submission, it will apparently take all six of them to punch the antagonist hard enough to end his machinations. Meanwhile, I can solve any problem with half an hour and $8.95 (depending on local sales tax), so forgive me if I remain unimpressed.

The Dark Knight Rises: I can't even get past the title of this one. The Dark Knight Rises? What does that even mean? Didn't he already "rise" in the previous two films? How is it that he's rising again in this installment? Did he fall in between movies? Are we supposed to believe that he lives his life just bobbing up and down like a chunk of cork with daddy issues? This is just another piece of evidence supporting my theory that Hollywood utilizes Mad Libs when naming films.

The Amazing Spider-Man: I have nothing negative to say about this movie, since it is CLEARLY such a fresh and original idea. A Spider-Man origin story? I wish I wasn't out of gold stars so that I could give one to the creative titan who was brave enough to pitch this film. In fact, let's all clap for that person. You can't see me, but I am definitely clapping right now.

My pick for the best superhero film of the summer is Death of a Superhero, coming May 4th. I have no idea what it is about, but based on the title, it has my vote. Next question.

I was going to post a question but ^ this guy has a much better one that might spark a more interesting response. 

This would be adorable if it wasn't so imbecilic. What you have typed is more accurately referred to as a "statement". Now, bear with me, as this may be difficult for you to follow: a "question" is normally a sentence in an interrogative form, posed to someone else in an effort to receive a reply and gain information. What you did was just bash on the keyboard with your sausage fingers until the law of averages gifted you with a semi-coherent phrase, which you then accidentally posted online. At least, that's what I assume must have happened, since surely you aren't so lazy as to have taken the time to post a response, but not enough time to bother coming up with a question of your own. That just wouldn't make sense, since you'd only have wasted my time and yours. No, it's much more likely that you are in fact a toddler who spilled juice on your mother's keyboard, inadvertently creating words.

Then again, you're probably just an idiot. Next question.

Who exactly is the new Marvel comic, "Age of Apocalypse" supposed to appeal to? 
Also, is pretension enough of an explanation for why so many comic fans defend Jonathon Hickman's "Shield?" 

Your mind-numbing mewling is familiar...have I destroyed you before?

In any case, a quick Google search reveals that the answer to your first question is "fans of the original Age of Apocalypse". I mean, really, you're asking me this question on the internet---have you seriously never heard of a search engine before? Here, let me link you to one. The link is that word to left that is underlined and a different color. You're welcome.

Concerning your second query, the pretentiousness of the question itself leads me to believe that your justification for anything that you are not intelligent enough to understand is,"It's not that I'm a simpleton, it's that this is pretentious." Therefore, I assume you would also describe Rainbow Brite and the Alphabet Song as "pretentious".

 But to answer your question, sure.

Just understand that I rolled my eyes while typing that.

Well, that's my time, but this was fun! Wasn't this fun? I'm sure you all learned a lot. Please post your questions for the next installment below, and no need to be shy about it! Thus far, the bar has been set incredibly low.

And always remember, Dear Readers: I am way smarter than you.

The Question Asker

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

My Weekend at Wonder-Con, by Jordan, age 25

Attending Wonder-Con 2012 in Los Angeles this past weekend was my first-and-a-half convention experience (I somehow managed to just casually go to Comic-Con for one day three years ago, but that's a whole other thing).

I went to all three days, and even though there was a goodly amount to see and do, I will say that it would probably take only two days to fully explore the convention, or one if you're extremely energetic and don't have many panels you want to see.
Less if you belong to the family Erinaceidae 
I am told that it's on the upper end of a medium-sized con, so if you've ever been to Comic-Con, it's not going to blow your mind. Wonder-Con is, however, a good event to attend if you're new to the whole geek convention experience, unlike the far less newbie-friendly Comic-Con.

So what were some of the highlights of my first full-fledged con experience?


Holy crap, you guys, so much stuff. If you have any sort of acquisitive drive, be prepared to drop a hundred bucks as soon as you set foot on the exhibit hall floor. Being the more discerning consumer that I am (read: broke), I managed to only spend $90 over the course of the weekend, but that's still about twice what I intended to drop. There's just so much of it!

Wall-to-wall capitalism, as far as the eye can see!
T-shirts, assorted apparel, toys, games, movies, original art, unoriginal art, novelties, and, of course, comics and graphic novels...all in abundance. Granted, a lot of the booths had some similar merchandise, but at times the pricing was wildly different. I would encourage any Wonder-Con shopper to walk the entire floor and engage in some comparison shopping to find the best deals. And you know how to haggle? Seriously, do you? Because I don't, so come with me next time! I witnessed some awesome bartering on the floor, which adds a cool bazaar-type feel to the whole event. The real consumer fun was over in the Artists Alley and Small Press areas, where individual creators set up shop and were hawking their wares. This was the place to get some really cool and unique items, like self-published comics or artistic prints. It's here that you're afforded the opportunity to talk to artists and all manner of other creative people, and maybe support their efforts by picking up something awesome for yourself. For instance, I had a fun conversation with the creator of the comic Penguins vs. Possums, who totally sold me on buying the first issue (to be fair, I had already decided to purchase it based on the name). Some of the bigger publishers were also worth visiting: although DC and Marvel made a fairly lackluster showing, Archaia Comics had an amazing "buy 2, get 3 free" deal on their hardcover graphic novels!
You don't have to spend a fortune, but you will definitely have more fun if you bring a bit of money, since you never know what sort of treasures you might stumble upon next.
A sampling of my swag

I only went to one panel the time I went Comic-Con, since I had so very little knowledge of what in the hell was happening around me, so I resolved to be better prepared this time. Looking over the Wonder-Con panels in advance, I didn't find a whole lot that caught my eye. I didn't feel like waiting in line for one of the bigger movie panels, and I knew I was just going to read about the DC and Marvel panels online, so I decided to try and hit up a few of the more obscure ones that sounded interesting. I only ended up going to four panels (what if I missed something cool on the show floor?!): two on voice-over actors, one on the psychology of Batman, and my personal favorite, Quick Draw.

In the Quick Draw panel, three professional cartoonists with projectors over their sketchpads were asked by the panel moderator to rapidly sketch out a crazy number of random things---it was like watching improv comedy, only the jokes were drawn. The challenges ranged from drawing the child of two cartoon characters selected by audience members (the child of Gumby and Ursula from The Little Mermaid was one of my favorites) to playing a game of Pictionary with special guest Len Wein, but with difficult words like "anxiety" and "deja vu". The whole thing was ridiculously entertaining.
Cartoons: Serious Business.

In a word, overwhelming. Booths everywhere, people in ridiculously cool or just plain ridiculous costumes, crowds, mobile R2 units, and Lou took me a few hours just to interpret enough of what I was seeing to get my bearings on the show floor. Over the course of the weekend I was assaulted by both Deadpool and enough cleavage to satisfy even the most depraved 13 year old boy. I played a demo of the Penny Arcade card game (awesome) and managed to thoroughly misunderstand what I was supposed to be doing at the Game of Thrones booth.

I just remembered frozen yogurt is a thing!
All in all, much fun was had. Would I recommend attending? Most definitely. Bring cash, a packed lunch, snacks, and comfortable shoes, and prepare to geek out for hours on end. Wonder-Con is more modest in scope than Comic-Con, so it isn't as stressful or as difficult to navigate. Just relax, take in the sights, and support some awesome creative works. 

Oh, and don't pay $30 for an autographed photo of Peter Mayhew as Chewbacca...I know a booth two rows over where you can buy one for $25.
I will leave you with this gigantic Optimus Prime costume.
You're welcome.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Still Plugging Along

Hey there! My new article is up at Fanboy Comics:

This one was hard for me to write, since step one is admitting that you have a problem...

Once things slow down a little bit, I'll be able to update a bit more regularly, so stay tuned!

Friday, March 2, 2012


Greetings, you mass of glorified orangutans! It is I, the Question Asker! Greatest criminal mind in the greater Burbank area! If by some amazing chance you've never heard of me, here is a small sampling of my most recent accomplishments:

Destroyed Dicker Man (2011)
Best Overall Villain (2010)
Most Devious Deathtrap (2001-Present)
Most Unsolvable Riddles-Resulting in the Death of the Riddled Individual Category- (2007)
Daytime Drama Emmy (2003)

But cease your chihuahua-like shaking, cretins! I have not infiltrated this insipid blog as a means of perpetuating yet another awe-inspiring villainous scheme. You are in no immediate danger; rather, I am in need of your...assistance.

Having recently destroyed my arch-nemesis, I found my life now curiously lacking in purpose and direction. What remained for me to accomplish now that the goal to which I had previously dedicated my existence had been achieved? So I set out into the world, searching for meaning...

And sweet Christmas, are you people hard to be around. Always so confused and irate, always some petty new conundrum fueling your perpetual whining. The stench of your collective failure is quite literally sickening.

So it is with great pleasure, and modest condescension, that I magnanimously announce my latest pursuit: a regular advice column in this hi-jacked space entitled, "Ask the Question Asker."

The premiere mind of the 21st century is at your disposal! Involved in a meaningless squabble with your insignificant other? I can help! Unsure of which color to paint the squalid domicile of your mewling offspring? I'm the man! Uncertain of how to approach your worthless superior regarding a paltry increase in pay at your useless job? I am AMAZING!

But it all starts with you people. Leave your moronic questions and concerns in the comments below. No subject is any further beneath me than any other, so ask me anything! And if you are lucky, perhaps I will choose your pitiful life as a brief recipient of the light of my genius! Until next time, insects!

The Question Asker

Thursday, March 1, 2012

I Just Doubled My Workload!

Hey everyone! Just a shameless plug to let you know that I am now a contributor of sorts for Fanboy Comics, and my first article there posted today:

It's sort of a companion piece to my last blog post about Double Fine's Kickstarter. Feel free to leave a comment on the article if you feel inspired (between you and me, it might make me look a bit better, but that's just between you and me).

Thanks, and I hope you enjoy it!